The Onion: Report: High Unemployment Linked to One Man With 42,000 Jobs: Who Says America Doesn’t Have Strong Job Growth?


This post was originally posted at FRS FreeState 1975 on Blogger

No wonder we have so much unemployment in this country. Jim Smith lets call him (for lack of a last name) has 42K jobs. You know to be honest with you, I have a hard time believing that one person could manage 42K jobs. I mean he would have to be Superman on steroids. A man with 14-21 thousand clones to pull this off, even making Mitt Romney jealous of all the clones he has. Perhaps Jim borrowed some of his clones from Mitt. He would have to be the worst workaholic imaginable. Someone who never sleeps, perhaps always on caffeine picking up a caffeine addiction while working at Starbucks and running another Starbucks.

Jim Smith with that caffeine addiction, to be able to fly planes on the weekend, while he’s air traffic controlling other planes in another city, at the same time. Flying from New York to St. Louis, while landing planes in Miami. His kids probably don’t remember the last time they’ve seen him. His wife or several of his wives, (perhaps he’s Mormon) ladies he’s met on 2000 of his jobs, have already filed missing person reports. But the problem that police have, no not that they ran out of coffee and doughnuts, Jim gave them a new supply, while working at Dunkin Doughnuts. The problem that police have is that they don’t know which Jim Smith to look for.

How do you track someone down with 42K jobs? Not only that, but how do you track down someone with 42K jobs named Jim Smith. You look up that name in a phonebook and you see 1K guys with that name and then maybe you say. “Well how many guys named Jim Smith with 42K jobs?” Well only one if any, but I’m skeptical that one guy could have all of those jobs. I know what you are thinking to be skeptical of that there is a guy with 42K jobs, would be like trying to believe that Mitt Romney is unemployed, or Barack Obama is a Socialist or Santa Clause doesn’t really exist.

Well call me crazy then, but I don’t believe it to begin with. I have this weird suspicion that this story was made up by Onion News and I know what you are thinking. That Onion News reports more facts than Fox News. Well that’s true, but if Mitt Romney is unemployed, than anything is possible. I mean who says that President Obama’s economic policies aren’t working, 42K jobs were created for one man alone.

With that type of Job Growth, we can create so many jobs, that we won’t have enough unemployed workers and then we won’t need as big as a safety net. Which of course would drive Progressives crazy to the point where they would come up with policies to layoff more workers, but wouldn’t that be a nice problem to have.
Adam Devine; Anders Holm; Blake Anderson (from left)

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About Erik Schneider

Full-time blogger on a multiple ray of topics and subjects, because of multiple interests.
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